It has taken me a long time to get here. A long time to write this post. Mum life is busy, like really busy and I've been a little unsure what to write. I've wanted to share my journey with others out there as I couldn't find any information about what to expect written by a real mama, everything was medical research. To be fair a lot of the information said that you really don't know if it'll happen until your baby arrives, which I'm sorry to say is the case. So although I can't tell you exactly what to expect as everyones experience is different, I can let you know my experience and share with you a few tips and tricks I have learnt along the way.
Firstly breastfeeding is different for everyone, regardless if they have had a breast reduction or not. Its not always something that comes naturally and sometimes we have to work really hard at it, and thats ok. Also breastfeeding is not for everyone. Weather you choose to breast, bottle or mix feed your baby is fed and thats all that matters.
The breast reduction
I had the breast reduction 8 years before I became a mama. I had just turned 20 a few months before. I guess people expect that you have a breast reduction to cure back and neck pain, to fix lopsided breasts or other medical reasons but you know what I did it because of my self esteem. That may open me up to judgement but I'm all about being honest. I had been teased through high school from both boys and girls, there was always a joke about them and although it seemed harmless and I laughed along, it did hurt. I tried to embrace them, show them off and laugh about them too but it really wasn't who I was. Physically I was fine but emotionally I was becoming more and more damaged as the days, weeks and months went by.
Big breasts don't run in my family it was just something that happened and nothing I did changed it. I lost weight, went on yoyo diets and they were still there. Exercising was becoming harder. Trying to run with two watermelons on your chest is not easy. I went running in the rain one day and my bra strap rubbed so much on my shoulder that I developed a cyst that had to be surgically removed. It was not as glamorous as having big boobs seems!
Another thing I struggled with was men (and sometimes womens) entitlement to them. Big boobs are quite hard to hide and more often than not if I was out on the town (as you did when you were younger) people would stare, giggle and walk up to me and just grab them. It was not ok. On my 18th Birthday a 40something man came up to me grabbed my boobs and then got down on the ground trying to look up my dress. At the time I walked away with my friends, called him a creep and walked off. But that sort of shit sticks with you, makes you feel discussing and unworthy. So my decision to have a reduction was 100% purely for self esteem reasons and I don't regret it at all! I now have 'normal' sized boobs (most people don't realise Ive had it done), I lost 20kgs and kept it off as exercise became much easier and I generally feel pretty good about myself.
I had a bilateral breast reduction where (graphic description coming!) they cut from under your armpit to the middle of your breast where your bra wire would sit (underneath along the crest of your boob) and they cut your nipple off (haha) and put it in a little dish as they leave some of it still attached and then shape it smaller and take a triangle flap of skin away as well as fatty tissue from inside. A terrible description so if you are that way inclined go and google image search! At the time of the operation they tell you that there is a big chance that you won't be able to breast feed. At the time that was definitely a risk I was willing to take to feel like a normal person! Pregnancy
The first thing that grew during my pregnancy were my boobs and I have to tell you I was a little unhappy about it! I was so worried they would keep growing and growing and stay like that forever! After the 15ish week mark the growing slowed down and that was a huge relief! I told my midwife about my reduction and concerns around feeding and she was amazing. She sent a referral to the hospital lactation consultant so I would be on their list and we just generally chatted about what may or may not happen. I knew the risks pre surgery and obviously the fact it was 8years earlier meant that I had a lot of time to process that I may not be able to feed. I went into my pregnancy with the mindset that I will just wait and see what happens. If I could feed then awesome and If I couldn't then it didn't matter, I would bottle feed my baby. My thoughts were that you don't go into a job interview and they ask you if you were bottle or breast fed!!! Obviously I knew the benefits of breast milk and we discussed donor milk but decided it just wasn't for us. I packed bottles and formula in my nappy bag. Towards the end of my pregnancy I received a call from the lactation consultant at the hospital. She advised me to talk to my GP and get a script for some medication to help bring on milk. At this point I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything and just decided to leave it and see what happened (something I later regretted). I was also given a pack by my midwife to try and express early Colostrum from 37 weeks. I must admit that sitting on my bed in the evenings massaging my nipples was very weird but when a teeny tiny drop came out of one boob the excitement was unreal...obviously there was some sort of connection going on!
Birth and Baby
I birthed Parker 10days early (on my midwifes weekend off!) at the hospital. My back up midwife was amazing and I feel that I had a pretty awesome and stress free birthing experience despite a 44hr labour! After he was born the hospital midwife came up to me and grabbed parker and tried to shove him on my breast...she was tugging at him up and I had to say to her..."he's still attached" as the placenta was still inside of me!!! It was a surreal experience watching someone grab your boob and your baby and trying to mash them together. It was a bit of an out of body experience as it was like I was just watching but not actually there. Very weird. As I watched her mashing them together I noticed her timing in trying to get his mouth open and shove it in at the right moment, so as weird as it was it actually helped me out when trying to establish a latch. Its not been until recently that I noticed we actually never did any real skin to skin contact. He was placed on me while we waited for the cord to drain and while I was stitched up but then I got up shower and dressed him and we never did skin to skin again. We had a full on two days at the birthing centre with 27 visitors and we just never did it. It worked for us and was totally fine but I think that next time I would like to do a lot more skin to skin. Breastfeeding (the bit you guys came to read about!)
When you have big boobs you sometimes have reduced sensation and this can also happen after a reduction so breastfeeding never hurt me. I know it can be quite painful so I am super lucky. I was also lucky he had a really good latch!
During the first few days I continued to breastfeed on demand. The trouble with feeding is you don't know how much they are getting (or how much they are meant to get) and that was a huge worry of mine. One night I asked the birthing units midwife to help me and she helped me hand express some milk. There wasn't a lot there. I spoke to my backup midwife the next day and she suggested giving him 5ml of formula just to see how he went.
The girl who didn't care if she breast or bottle fed suddenly felt weird about giving him formula. I kind of felt like I had failed. It was a weird feeling especially given my stance during pregnancy. I talked it over with her (she was amazing by the way) and she said "Caitlyn, giving him 5ml of formula is not going to ruin your supply" just the words I needed to hear. I realised I was being silly and 5ml was nothing! He happily took the formula and was content (I won't write about it here but it took us a long time to find the right formula and he had a lot of constipation issues because of it - cue mama guilt!) Over the next few days we gave him little top ups of formula and things seemed to be going well. I was still feeding first and everything was good.
When we got home and our midwife came to visit she noticed he was jaundice and over the next few days it got worse. She was fast acting and sent us for bloods. It took 20minutes in a hot stuffy room with a large guy who kept coughing over my 4day old to draw a few tiny drops of blood from his heel. I did not know it at the time but it meant he was dehydrated (HUGE MAMA GUILT)
His results came back borderline which meant we may have needed to go for a stay in NICU. My AMAZING midwife came up with a plan that we would top him up with 60ml of formula every three hours to help flush his liver, do another set of bloods and reassess from there. It worked. He was given the all clear and we didn't need to go to NICU but this also meant we needed to continue the 60ml formula feeds. I continued to offer breast first and then bottle. I never experienced 'milk coming in' and the rock hard boobs.
I wish I had of pumped right from the start - a huge regret I have now.
I continued to offer breast first and one day went to the family centre where we did a weigh feed weigh...he literally was getting 8ml during a half hour feed. To say that was a little gutting was an understatement. I persevered however.
My midwife was amazing and assured me that even the tiniest bit of breast milk contained antibodies and it was still good to give that to him. I enjoyed feeding, it wasn't uncomfortable and I was pretty damn proud of my body even if it was making the tiniest bit! Even after everything I still had the mindset that as long as he was being fed it didn't matter, but at around 3months he started to get fussy on the boob. I was trying to pump every three hours only getting 10mls a time and I knew that my body wasn't producing enough and my flow wasn't as fast as the bottle.
Its funny how it really doesn't matter much until the possibility of it being taken away happens.
I was upset that our journey may have been coming to an end. I put the call out on my blog and tried everything. Lactation cookies, mixes and 0% beer (which actually seemed to help a lot), I visited the lactation consultant, went onto medication and discovered the MILKBAR BREAST PUMP - it was a life saver. I contacted them and she allowed me to pick it up form their warehouse the same day. I cried as I drove home. This was my last chance. I got home and pumped 20mls....the most I ever had! Over the next month I persevered with trying everything and pumping 3 times a day. I managed to get 90mls a day and store this in my freezer. By four months my flow really wasn't fast enough for Parker and that was the end of our journey. I was lucky I had my little stash in the freezer and gave him a little bit each day until he was nearly six month old and I am totally happy with that.
Tips and tricks to breast feed after a reduction
*Go into it with no expectations- you really won't know until your baby is here so don't be too hard on yourself. You can't change the past but what you can do is put steps in place to ensure you are doing what is best for you and your baby.
*Buy a decent pump. I can not stress this enough. After using an old pump for three months I am so guttered I didn't buy a Milkbar right from the start (to be fair I didn't know about it) I have said it before but I 100% recommend them, they are amazing pumps and the difference in the amount of milk I was able to get for little effort was amazing. I would recommend pumping right from the start if you are able to help bring in your supply. - FYI this is not sponsored...I truely do love this pump!
*Do you research - take on the information you need and throw away the rest! Find some helpful things to support B/feeding and go with it.
*Establish a good latch. Breast feeding shouldn't hurt so if it does there are many things you can look into. Tongue/lip ties can affect latch so ask your midwife to check for those and if you aren't satisfied with her answer get a second (or third or fourth) opinion until you are happy! There are so many amazing agencies and people out there to help. Yes you will come across some dicks and if anyone makes you feel unworthy...walk out of that appointment...and see someone else! Theres also an amazing tribe of mamas on social media so reach out.
*Surround yourself with supportive friends or family. Getting your boobs out can feel awkward...geez aren't those darker nipples just so cool! Surround yourself with friends who don't mind if you have a nip slip a whole boob slip or if you sit there squeezing your haaka pump while they hold your baby (Thanks Deb!)
* You can buy ingredients for your own lactation cookies from your local Binn inn - or if you can't be F'd baking buy pre-made.
*lastly if you are having a hard time reach out. If you want to stop feeding, do it - Good on you for even giving it a go!
At the end of the day we had a reduction for a reason and if it means we can't feed so be it. At least we are here and we have been blessed enough to have a little babe join us in the crazy adventure we call life.
If you have any questions feel free to message me!